Some time has passed since I first arrived on Maui. Since then I have spent many days working on a farm in outskirts of lower Kula. In my time here I have learned a great many things about working the aina. My hands have felt it’s grit and they are now stained as proof of my daily labors. My heart, longing to be with those I miss dearly, has grown to understand the coldness of being alone. The love of my life, asking to part ways, finally thrust upon me the finality of our separation. “You must choose to fix the system from within’” or choose to loose me forever was her final decree.
To work in a system that is broken, in order to fix it. That, in my mind, is like working inside of an engine to make it run the way it’s supposed to. Unfortunately, my mind cannot see what parts the system needs in order to become better. Only, my mind sees where the system is failing. Perhaps this being my greatest flaw.
For a great many years, I was bred and molded to be a cog in the system; to turn when commanded and know no other way. For me, and the depths of my hearth within, saw this as inefficient. Even as a child, the way things were going seemed wrong some way. As if it were a veil over what was supposed to be true. Questioning this brought punishment and with it a suppression of my creative mind. Not long into my life I began to stop questioning and begin a downward spiral into the abyss of bitterness and anger. Instead of questioning the system I began to question myself and ultimately take the view points of other people as ultimate truth.
The older I became, the more self doubt clouded my soul. Anger swelled and I was consumed in hate. I hated the system, the authority, the ones who would always stop me from expanding or exploring. As a caged lion I waited, growing ever more distant from my own self. Until I could handle it no more. My farther, whom I could look to for confidence, told me to live with him and by the age of 16 I finally listened. I chose to escape my suburban prison, and away from my wardens, to the countryside where my father had built a home for him and his wife and her daughters.
The prison, however, never left me. Even after arriving to my father’s home the prison that I had created locked me from within. Tears shed, and time passed, but I was still under the influence of fear and doubt. Gripped tightly by my emotions, I felt it was my fault for not being happy and I was blamed for the surmounting negativity that I brought with me anywhere I went. Back again into a system that suppressed my growth and all but left me to fend for myself. My father, unable to separate himself from his economic obligations, was not able to provide me with the extensive repair that I needed in order to regain my confidence. This, for a while, consumed me as well while the anger and bitterness continued to ferment in my soul.
It wasn’t until one day a dark haired girl glanced past me and saw beyond the veil of negativity. I knew her eyes pierced my direction, for as she did a strong sense of well being flooded my heart. For a brief moment, the pain, anger, and self doubt left me, causing me to freeze in a moment of time I never knew could exist. She was young and so was I. Ignorant of the rest of my life, and in the ways of relationships, in that moment I fell deeply into the greatest level of love I had experienced outside the love for my father.
Hope filled my heart and a touch of community had graced me unlike any time before. Soon her and I became lovers and in that passion I filled the hole in my heart with her embrace. All I wanted was her and I wanted no one else to have her. Instead of a community, I began to drag her away, like a water demon consuming a soul. Possessing her away from friends and even family.
Time had passed and I became confident and happy. Through her, I had a life worth living and a future to look forward to. I could work within the system to become a functioning member of society. All the while, having her love and support to push me through. The only thing that hindered my drive was the great distance between us as I went to face the system. Having moved away from my father and my lover to explore the place I had once called prison, my birth place. I was absent from the foundations I had previously laid to begin anew.
Experience and time would have me grow to become more independent and self reliant, but slowly, as the system resumed it’s shaping and molding of whom I was to be, my soul began to reject it’s ways. Little support, no lover to fill me with confidence, and a system designed for me to operate in a way that my soul rejected, I fell victim once again to the feelings of self doubt. A mind created to be a mind of a thinker and experimenter, disciplined to be of single mindedness and unquestioning. For a while I fought myself and my soul to obtain the answers. Two sides of my self whom I had independently named and recognized for what they each attributed to my self, collided in struggle.
Finally, one day after a visit from my one time lover, I severed ties with her and forced her away from me. I knew that being with me would continue to cause her great pain as I continued to absorb her life into mine. Through the cloud of self doubt, anger, and bitterness I knew that the only way to become clear would be to learn to live a life without filling my soul with her. So I looked to the system as a way to find how I could make that happen. Yet my soul continued to reject the system, and in that the system rejected me. Forcing me to move about and barely scrape by with little support. Friends carried me as far as they could before they had to continue on with their own lives.
It wasn’t long before I desperately crawled back to the countryside where I once found confidence and community. Limping briefly I clung to any hope of survival I could from within the system and I took a job that was good pay. For a time I moved forward, then to the side, then back to the spot I had started, only to begin this cycle again and again. There was no aim, and my soul ached for a change that would never come. The system had put me into a loop. A loop that perpetuated itself only to continue doing so. A long winter took hold of my soul and for a while I neither wanted, nor saw my life moving forward.
Then a book came across my lap. A book that was mentioned to me while I was still trying to figure the system out before returning to the country. And in this book I began to see and understand the system in a different light. There was a way to master the system! To take it and ride towards a promised land of riches and wealth. To never have to strive for scraps and to pursue a life that made the system work for me. I let this once suppressed feeling consume my soul and drive all thoughts and ambitions. The gym called my name as I hungered for power. Investments, and classes on how to obtain them, filled my future goals. The thought of manipulating people and money was as delicious to my ambition as chocolate was to my taste.
Greed, as I would later recognize it, drove my life. Material wealth and monetary freedom tempted me at every turn. But my soul, deep down, only wanted freedom. Freedom from the system that I had placed, as well as everybody around me, great importance. To the point where I would embark on a journey back to the epicenter of my life’s struggles, this time to master it by force!
Unprepared was I to deal with the reality of what was to come. An awakening, small at the time, after several failed attempts to exercise my greed fueled ambitions. Upon arriving, fresh from the countryside once again and filled with hunger, the system in place functioned just as it did in my past. Securing a job as a salesman was the first step. The next, was a business partner and a rough plan. Then came my soul and the feelings I had worked hard to subdue. Feelings of self doubt crept slowly to the surface and my confidence began to wane. As I began to question why I was lying to people, as I sold them things they did not need, and attempting to enslave people to work for my gain, my moral diminished. The slow, painful downfall in this chapter of my life chipped away at the rest of who I was, within the system. A system I could not conform to, nor control had functioned just as it was designed and I continued to question myself over and over. Until one night when I had lost hope.
A joint. Once believed by me to be a paper stick leeched upon by the lowest forms of human life, was now touching my lips and I was inhaling in a drunken state of dejection. “Fuck it.” I said, “She doesn’t love me anymore.” was my reasoning and I dove right in. I dove into an empty pond I thought would be an ocean deep enough to engulf me. Yet as I waited and listened to my body for symptoms of a mad man the system told me would be present, nothing. But in that nothingness something did, in fact, happen. As I sat in that empty pond in wait, I listened. I deeply listened to my self for the first time in my life. The questions of self doubt were loud, and I quieted them enough so that I could hear. My soul, was as a child in a ball of pain lying naked on a cold marble floor with no blanket. At first, I knew not what to make if it. This amount of listening was foreign to me; far beyond what I had done in the past. Certainly I knew the shouts of my soul and I knew them to be loud, but this was an understanding. A letting go of what the system had ingrained into me and allowing myself to think about my life in a way that was just beyond questioning. I began to deduce and calculate. Moving beyond my self, I saw the world around me and realized how beautiful it was in spite of the system that was in place.
A new perspective on life was put before my eyes and I dealt with it the best way I could. However, slowly, I realized that in the current state that I was in, being within the system as I was, I was powerless for some reason. I had things, a home, and some good friends, and a new lover, and a job that I hoped would change everything, but the patterns repeated. They repeated until my heart broke down. The pain of failure and shame left me with no hope of continuing a life that was to be aimless. So I cut those ties. I cut them away from me and I crawled back to the countryside. Pitying myself in defeat.
There I contemplated and envisioned the world from within my own soul. Days and nights spent in deep thought about the system and how it worked. Some nights spent with a wonderful and understanding friend, some nights spent completely alone. Either way I began to study the patterns of past civilizations and the patterns of human beings in present day society. The mistakes I had made, and the things I thought were mistakes, but looked at in different light. Perspective through a haze of smoke and a clarity of the bigger picture. But still, there was something missing, and it was in my heart. Something that I had filled and had been emptied time and time again. A great correction would need to take place.
At this time, a great economic storm had engulfed a nation and fear ruled the hearts of many. One night, after a Valentines Day concert, I had a vision and in this vision I was in a desert. It was dark all around and I was laying quiet and still upon the Earth. Around me I remember a pack of vicious dogs surrounding me. They looked hungry, ready to jump upon me as I stood up to face the fiercest dog in front of me. As it snarled I remembering not feeling fear, nor anger, but pity. I pitied the hungry animal that wanted to eat me. Calmly, my gaze met the animal’s, and I spoke. “I wish not to do harm to you, but if you attack me, I WILL destroy you!”. In that moment all the fear had left my body and I was left with only a strength I had never felt before. After that moment I knew what my mission was. It was to become as strong as I was in that vision. To cast away my fears and self doubt to face hunger and death. In doing so, I would learn the path to self sufficiency and to rely on my self instead of a system that had promised to take care of me.
Not long after my vision a sign came across my path that pointed to a gathering in the very desert I meant to visit. A quest was laid before me and the steps were clear. To the edge of my limits I would travel and to the desert I had envisioned with the hungry dogs.
By plane I traveled to the Northwest, were I would enjoy the remainder of my financial liquidity and begin my quest by vowing to use no, collect no, and refuse all money. A single dollar, to remind me of what was behind me, folded neatly into my wallet was all I had left. My intention was to burn it in the deserts after I had sought out the great leaders of this unprecedented gathering.
To speak of this time is difficult. Not in that I have nothing to say, but because the amount of words I could speak wouldn’t be enough to explain my emotions or what transpired during this part of my life. To summarize is to be an injustice to its significance. However, I will say that what I saw and experienced was exactly what I was prepared for and what I gathered from this short quest was a better understanding of my personal strength and drive. For in this period time I had only my pack, my clothes, and a spiritual guide whom I met along the way. I learned what being hungry felt like. I learned how small I was and how big the world was compared to me. I learned that beautiful things are more dangerous than what I might think. And I learned that living a life without a community would lead to pain and loneliness. Finally, I learned that strength comes from a balance of mind, body, and spirit. Faith in myself had waned on this journey, however, and that caused me to question and doubt where I should go. For I had made it to the gathering, but only on the last day. Had I been determined enough, and without fear, I might have been able to meet with the spiritual leaders and find what I, still to this day, wish to know.
After returning to my old friends in the desert city I had once made a life in, I began to wildly seek out my next step. In an unguided determination I looked for what I thought would bring me closer to the strength I needed to survive. I sought out a master. Somebody to teach me the ways I desperately wanted to learn. To the south I went, through a desert on a bus. When I landed, it was dark and I was, for the second time, stranded on an island of concrete in an ocean of heat. There was nobody that knew me, and no place to lay my head to rest. But I continued forward, determined in my heart to find a glimmer of hope. It was a mouthful of what homelessness was and in spite of that I sought answers. Through many miles and a sky full of heat and sun I walked. With my pack on my back and a hat shading my head, I stepped closer to what thought would be my salvation.
Expectation. That was to be the lesson here. I had expectations through a longing to be healed. And because of that expectation, upon my arrival I was disappointed. The master I had sought out was a man who was a master of the system. In my desperate attempt to beg for his acceptance as my mentor, tears flowed through me without control. They fell upon his floor and soaked his carpet. I told him that I no longer wished to hurt people, and he misunderstood. He told me that I should join the army. In that moment, I knew that I had not found the master I was looking for. After a while, I left, defeated. I went back to the bus station hoping to leave the island as fast as I could. To retreat with my broken expectations. Yet the desert island wanted me to stay, for I was unable to purchase a ticket. The computer system was down, on a nation wide scale. Not even my father could purchase a ticket from the internet. So I stayed for one more night. And on this night it rained. It rained the heaviest, coldest rain I had ever felt in my life. The only reprieve I had was a cold concrete floor for an hour, a cup of coffee from a late night cafe, and a hard bench surrounded by mosquitoes. When morning came I was already awake. My body was stiff and I was wet, cold, and alone. However, things began to work in my favor and through sheer will, a helping hand from a stranger, and my father’s distant aide I was able to escape.
Even though I had been exposed to many lessons, it would be some time before I could process them and understand them thoroughly. In fact, I was to travel to a place far away from both the countryside that I was accustomed to crawling back to, and the deserts that I fought so fruitlessly against. This time shame would push me to a place where an angel, a crazy angel, offered to take me in and nurse me back to health. With the temptation of having a small network of friends and a woman willing to help, I couldn’t resist. And so I traveled to what I can confidently call, Limbo.
It was my birthday when I arrived and sunny. A cool breeze greeted me as I walked out of the bus station, followed by a great friend I had met in my early days spent living in the desert city. Here I felt I could rest my mind and my soul. And in doing so, attempt to analyze the lessons that I had been exposed to and build a new life from them.
Once again I contemplated my self. Piecing together bits of the puzzle that were left for me to assemble after my time in the desert. Fear and self doubt once again filled my heart, even with the love of an angel holding me tight. Time moved forward, slowly. Minute by minute I would gaze into the grey sky above and into the dark, wet streets below. A world so foreign to me and absolutely ironic at the same time. For in the final moments of my desert journey, I had been rained upon by a strong, cold, monsoon storm. Now I would live in fear, saturated in the cold wetness of the great Northwest.
The patterns I saw before began to fade from my mind’s eye and the doubt that had swelled in the void of my soul was too much to let love in again. She understood this and for a while accepted this until it finally took its toll upon her. With anger, and disappointment, she sent me away where my only hope would be to take refuge with my great friend and his brother who would later become a great friend as well. Looking back I see now that this was the only option. This was the only way to shake me from my stasis so that I could begin to grow again.
Time passed and in that time I had accepted work as a cart pusher for a corporate grocery store. Here I spent time becoming one with the system all over again. From scratch I made a good name for myself and I bowed to those whom I rebelled against. Life was spent in nearly the same fashion for quite some time and the lessons of my journey into the desert were to be stuffed into a backpack hidden in a closet and to be packed away in the back of my mind. A new network of support and close friends began to develop and a new found confidence blossomed. Loneliness was blocked by the abundance of people and events and good times with good drink and smoke. I smiled. Although it was a fake smile a lot of the time, it soon became a real smile when I was around those that I loved. And love was slowly entering back into my life. A spot had cleared in my heart and I was ready to complete it.
Then I met her…the woman whose eyes would paralyze me. The woman that had a power over me she had no idea she had. From the very moment in that bar, to our first counter top conversation, and well beyond she awoke a flame I had long put to smolder deep within. I could go on for the rest of my life telling you how wonderful this woman made me feel or how intoxicating her smile was to me. And it is for that reason I had decided that I would marry her. The only certainty I had in my life was the certainty of my feelings for this person.
Shame and doubt attacked me from behind, but this time I was different. The very thought of her made me want to be better. To become better in every facet of who I was. Most importantly, better than the fear that was grasping me tight. While allowing her to seek me out, I used that time to begin improving my body, mind, and soul. To say that I was doing it for her would be inaccurate, nor could I say I doing it for me. I was inspired to better myself for the entirety of the world. A world that she was apart of and who made me feel confident. And suddenly, a new quest was born. Activated with a few simple words, “I can’t wait to see you start living your life.” Said after I had conversed about my life living as a janitor for a grocery store.
Health, in all aspects of the word, became my priority. I hungered for it. I craved it. And in doing so the patterns I had noticed before came back into view. “For her” I would say at times, followed by “For this world!” My drive was fueled by the thought of a world filled with healthy food and happy people. I began to see the good in people and expanded my patience with those who were angry and filled with self doubt. It was easy to see from my point of view, how simple it is to become closed off from people and the world. My understanding lead to an appreciation. Increasing physical strength and expanding my knowledge of what it means to be healthy spiraled upward more and more until a new path was laid out before my eyes.
Organic farming. It was clear as day and warm as summer. The prospect of growing my own food was something that I had been looking for. Self sufficiency turned into sustainability and the more I learned, the more interested I had become. Soon visions of me and a woman whom I love, with children, in a home, and a large yard filled with food that was grown to help people’s health and happiness filled me with a hope that I had not felt in so long.
I quit my job. At a point where I had “climbed” the ladder to the highly “esteemed” position of cashier. It was driving me mad. Spinning my wheels in a company that would take me nowhere I wanted to go, doing things I felt was counter intuitive to the evolution of our society. In exchange for financial security, an apartment, and all the comforts of living in Limbo, I opted once again to continue my quest for self reliance. This time, it would be a passion instead of a hunch.
Slowly I tested the waters. First taking in the sights and sounds of what an organic farm would be like. That would, however, be after a bit of confidence building, and moving in with the woman I had anticipated a future with. My first venture forth into organic culture put me right back into a spiritual state that I hadn’t experienced for 2 years. Ever since my exposure to the desert, my spirituality had been locked back in place, awaiting the next step. This was it and I enjoyed every minute. Beyond enjoyment, this filled me with a sense of peace I had been yearning for. A time that was just the correct amount for me to experience.
I would continue my exploration of sustainability to discover an island that had a permaculture educational center. I volunteered so that I could pop my head in and see what this movement was all about. To my delight, it was everything that I was wanting and more. For a brief moment in time I was blessed with the gift of knowing what the future may hold for me. With this, I took my ambitions to the next level and began to explore my options for the future.
That future, as it is now present, would be a distant island in the middle of a vast ocean. Where I am presently sitting in a chair, in an art studio, sitting here typing to you at the Greenleaf Farm in lower Kula, near Longs convenient store, a bit drunk from drinking several cans of beer, contemplating the next move in my life because the woman that I so longingly desire to be my wife has told me that she no longer wants to be with me and the owner of the farm has asked me to look for a future somewhere else.
I’m not upset. Even in my inebriated state, I remain calm. Poised and ready for the next step in my life. Carrying on, as they say, and with great projects like Permablitz and Maui Farm Inc..
But that’s a conversation for another day…I must get back to drinking and enjoying my life before I must once again deal with the many emotions that come with being a human being in the midst of a global cultural and spiritual shift.
